Alok and I

This is a collaboration revu between Alok n me. My query to him was :- What do men want from women .I have added a women's rejoinders to his 'wants' . BOLD typeface=AVA

Well this is for the first time I did struck my head on lotto without buying any ticket. For the first time a lovely lady other than my long lost girl friends and now “tiniest green chilly” (have you ever tested one?) considering she is only 5’3”; wife, asking me what do I want from her? Well not to make it sleazy actually she did ask me about what men look forward from a woman. And what better way to share it with one of the most intelligent, whacky and hilarious ladies of MS!!
Should I sing? should I dance? Or should I write a poem asking for favors? Or simply put, should I put it the way SRK does? Kkkkkkkkava? Oh that sounds like that Kashmiri drink with slight bitterness but the lady in question is all sweet and mellow, when I say mellow that doesn’t mean you can take her for granted, tip you go wrong and tap she will make you turn turtle without any help at her toe!!

So back to where I started what exactly men look forward in a woman? I wish the seven vows at the time of “saat fere” in marriages to be the same!!

Pratham evem dwitiya Vachan: Thou shall maintain the decorum and congeniality you did showcase while your first few weeks stay with me. BUT dont expect me to remain the same sweet talker I was.

Don’t maintain double standards. You may change but I may not? I have to maintain not only decorum and congeniality, but also the girl like figure that you admired? My sweet smile, my ‘girlfriendness’ that you liked? And you?

Bahu Vachan: Thou shall understand that me being a male member of society always want you to say “yes sir, yes sir” and hearing Why? What? When? Where? No!! Don’t!! Stop!! And all your irritating commands to mend my way makes me think is marriage a boon or bane?

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.. jawab mil gaya? Be thankful there is someone on this earth who cares about your Whys? Whats? Whens? And Wheres?

Chaturth laganum: Thou shall understand that getting married sure means I am on diet but that does not mean I can’t even browse through menu cards. So stop spying on my message box and don’t give me spine chilling looks when my message tone goes beep beep at 2’ O clock night!!

You forget that all dogs have to guard their territory. I may not be happy with you, but I don’t want others poaching on my property. So you are marked “Not available” and trespassers will be prosecuted.

Pancham lakhskhanum : Thou shall not be excited on a Sunday morning and be prepared with a long list of items digging a deep ho*le in my pocket. Thou shall understand all your love is mine but your bills were never. Than why after marriage I find them in my “to pay list” every month!!

Dear, nothing is free in this world. You enjoy having a beautiful wife around you, be prepared to pay the bills. If you want something for free…. I warn you she wont look good by your side.

Chhattinam Doodham: Thou shall not remind me about bringing “sabji bhaji” in the middle of me “getting up close and personal” with my executive. I thank cell phones to be technically inefficient to support a video conferencing.

Don’t you know women get vibes about what their spouses are up to? Don’t you know our sixth sense enables us to call about sabji bhaji at the RIGHT moment? We don’t need video conferencing, we have an internal cctv which tells us exactly what you are up to.

Saptam Vikatum : Thou shall not expect me to surrender every time and move sheepishly in my own home during war times. It’s hard every time to kneel down and say sorry and injure my male ego hoisting the white flag time and again “you are right I am wrong” types. Aaahh!! That remind me you were better as my girlfriend!! I was at least free to show a bit of tantrums.

Dekho Alok, seedhi si baat hai, agar galti kee hai to sharafat se maafi maang lo. I cant help it if you keep making mistakes and have to say sorry all the time. I cant help it if I am always right. I am still your girlfriend jee. Maafi maangne se insaan chota nahi ho jaata.

Ashtam Dosham: Ok ok!! I am ready to forgive and forget all that happened within the closed doors. Lest thou shall save my torn and soiled self esteem before my relatives and elders!! Making them think that my decision to marry you was “oh so right and perfect” Thou shall act to be an epitome of love and care in parties and marriages. Give all that sh*t when we are back in the car!!

Sh*t to milega.. car me aao jaraa, abhi mene kaha hi kya hai? Wait and watch, you think I don’t have list of things I want to have out with you. Yaad hai hamari shaadi ke shuru me aapne mujhe yeh kaha tha voh kaha tha.. ?? Bhool gaye tab maine aapko kitna shield kiya tha. Mataji ko kano kaan pata nahi chala tha. And youuuuu? Even after so many years you refuse to reform. Car me bolna.. abhi batati hoon .. aao zara bahar.

Andha Nainam: Thou shall not treat a drunken husband as a soiled sheet at bed time!! Thou shall understand that me being in drunken state only can fantasize you being mine “dream girl”. The morning I get back to senses and curse myself for loving you so much!!

OOOOOOO aisa? “Dream Girl” “Soiled Sheet” Jao dream girl ke paas daaru peekar. I will see how long she tolerates you. Yeh to me hoon jo itne saal se jheel rahi hoon. I am sure you will be back groveling at my feet in 2 days. That “dream girl” wont put up with you for 2 minutes. Jao Jao, don’t darken my bedroom door.

Dasham Kastam: Last but most important!! Thou shall not embarrass me before all those who think I am “an extra wise brain” sharing some stupidity of mine that could not be hidden from you as you being my lawfully wedded wife. Thou shall not question me. Thou shall make me feel everything is fine and normal next morning. And thou shall make me feel comfortable about getting high and doing some sh*t in the disc in the morbid state of mind.

STONY SILENCE (hint .. be very very very careful when wife goes into the stony silence mode.. things are NOT GOOD)

Eh eh is it asking for too much? But did I ask for a planet…..? All that I need is unshaken love, due respect and a little bit of freedom!! Can I expect them in this life? Or is it the case that one life is not enough to live your dreams my friend.

AGLE DIN KI SUBAH:

Alok is in a deep dungeon. The only lady who is willing to visit him is Smita. She brings him a half eaten stale bread pakora that she has saved from her yesterday’s snack. Alok : Mera kya hoga Chintan Manan? Smita : I have come on behalf of your wife and the GOG. You are ostracized by all of us. Ap beghar ho gaye hain. Duniya ki koi bhi biwi ya ladki aapki taraf aankh utha kar bhi nahi dekegi. I am sorry. I pity you. But the GOG is very strong. Ham kisi tarah ki be-adbi bardasht nahi kar sakte. Aap chahen to John Abraham ko bhej dijiye.. Agar wo apki biwi ko kuch samja sake to theek hai .. warna (sad face) .. sniff sniff..